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The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 22 Episode 5

It’s time again to spill the Bachelor tea! And we here at The Hot Take have some burning questions. Let’s break it down!

We open in Fort Lauderdale (guess Miami was too out of budget?) Arie half heartedly expresses how excited he is to be is this bustling city! As he puts it, “It’s a beautiful place to fall in love, it’s very sexy and cool, they have amazing beaches, great restaurants, they have yachts everywhere.” And we couldn’t help but wonder…

Is Fort Lauderdale a Beautiful Place to Fall in Love?

Or rather os there any place in the world that is not a “beautiful place to fall in love” in the eyes of Bachelor producers? Honestly we weren’t sold until he mentioned the part about there being “yachts everywhere.” And we like that a yacht. Speaking of Yachts — guess where Chelsea’s one on one was? You guessed it…

And while we don’t really think Chelsea blew this date out of the water…

She did do everything you’re supposed to do to have a perfect Bachelor one on one date and for that we think…

Chelsea Should Get a Medal! (And Probably Also a Cookie)

Chelsea did all the right things on this one on one

  • She reenacted a movie moment (Titanic, duh)
  • She got a ton of kisses
  • She didn’t fall off her jet ski
  • She had the perfect sob story where you feel for her– (not only is she a single mother, her son’s dad cheated on her and has moved on)
  • She says she doesn’t need expensive things to be happy, just the right company (which honestly we feel like every contestant on this show loves money, I mean you’re on The Bachelor – isn’t everyone’s goal on this show to never work a real job again?).
  • She had the perfect cheesy one liner, and said it with a straight face “I’m on a dreamboat, with a dreamboat.”

But most of the time they girls were spying on her date which brings us too, our one plea to Bachelor producers:

Less One on One Spy Cams, More Dramatic Flashbacks PLEASE

Not only is it not believable that the girls can see this date from their hotel room, and sure, it does answer our question of what do the contestants do when the other girls are on dates. But COME ON. We need more dramatic flashbacks! Like where was the dramatic flashback when Krystal went on about how bowling alley are triggers to her because she “grew up in a bowling alley?!

Another MVP of this episode… Is Lauren B. We finally have a way to remember her and think she might be a solid candidate for the winner. Here’s why:

Don’t Under Estimate Lauren B.

A lot of questions about Lauren B., who before this episode, often got lost in the see of blondes.

Are one of these girls Lauren B.? We don’t know.

Actually we do know, it’s Maquel and Jenna. But we had to look really closely.

This is Lauren B.

This is also Lauren B.

This Lauren B. won Ben’s season, and has since then ended their engagement as most Bachelor winners do. These two Lauren Bs are NOT the same person…we think.

Arie’s Lauren B., has not had a one on one with Arie..yet, but they have made out a lot. She opens up the episode wishing to have time with Arie, and in this episode she finally shows some personality while saying she’s not going to deal with Krystal anymore, and then somehow promptly pulls herself together to play a game of 21 questions with Arie, which is not really a game. She asks Arie the hard hitting tough questions like:

“What’s your favorite color.”

(It’s blue).

“How do you take your coffee?”

(With cream and sugar, but he wishes he enjoyed it black. BE A MAN, ARIE).

Then Arie asks her how SHE takes her coffee and she says with coconut milk, which literally BLEW ARIE’S MIND.

But before we all get too excited and start thinking for a second that the “B” in Lauren B. does not stand for “basic.” Please note that coconut milk is an alternative milk option at Starbucks. And NOTHING is more basic than getting your coffee at Starbucks.

Also please note Lauren B’s answer to this question in her ABC bio:

Oh Lauren….

But here’s a HOT TAKE– we think Lauren might be one of the last girls standing. Because the basic bitches usually get a ring, and the ones with intelligence and personality usually get to be the next Bachelorette.

Lauren B might even win this thing! Now we gotta talk about Maquel…

Does Anyone else Realize Maquel is 23?

Seriously, all the girls are still talking about how Bekah is 22, but no mention that Maquel is 23?!  We don’t know about you, but we were the same idiot at 22 as we were at 23. JUST SAYING. Now on to the group date—

“Not a Moment to Spare”

Was the group date clue. I mean how could this NOT be a bowling date. I guess it could be a date where Arie teachers the girls how to change a spare tire…but that feels like something they could just do in LA. Speaking of LA, aren’t there also bowling alleys in LA? How is this bowling alley that looks like every other bowling alley ever, showing us the best of what Fort Lauderdale “a beautiful place to fall in love,” has to offer?

The only thing we don’t see at every bowling alley ever is this:

Yes, we need to show you this image again.

Okay sure, he’s doing his the Jesus impression from The Big Lebowski, but can we just pause to remember, after he licked this ball he then put that same tongue in the mouths of:

  • Kendall
  • Becca K.
  • Bekah M.
  • Lauren B.
  • Tia
  • Kendall
  • Jacqueline

GROSS.

Cut to Becca at the after party saying she “smells like a bowling ball,” foreshadowing much? Moments later she’s being escorted into Arie’s room, because they had the first one on one and he wants to give her something a little “extra,” which is just his bowling ball infected tongue.

Is Arie’s Personality Just “Cars”?

So we were ratting on how basic Lauren B. is, but you know who else is super basic? Arie.

We still don’t feel like we know anything about Arie at all and still stand by this hot take. Honestly the only thing we can really tell you about Arie is that he really likes cars and will talk about cars literally any chance he gets, like:

At dinner with Chelsea was at a CAR museum (another thing Fort Lauderdale a “beautiful city to fall in love” has to offer.

On his one on on with Tia, out of no where he finds a way to talk about race car driving. There are no cars in sight, just a boat with a big engine on it (not a car) which sparks this engaging conversation:

ARIE: That’s just a huge engine on that boat.

TIA: Getting to know you more I can’t see you racing…

ARIE: Whenever I do something behind the wheel, whenever I put my helmet on, it’s like a completely different person. 

Riveting.

And then when he picks a question number out of Kendall’s book he picks 99 because that was his… yep you guessed it race car number. Ugh now I guess we have to talk about Krystal.

Stop Comparing Krystal to Corrine

She’s not Corrine. Corrine was fun and carefree and took naps. Krystal is one of those girls who says “no worries” all the time when really you should be worried because she wants to stab you between the eyes.  Nick Viail said it best on twitter tonight:

And that’s all we’re going to say about that!

Hope you enjoyed our Hot Takes! What are yours?

 

 


Also published on Medium.

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