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The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Season 22 Episode 6: We’ll Always Have Puns

We open in Paris with nine finalists:

Bekah (the 22 year old), Becca (Pretty Woman date), Seinne (too good for Arie TBH), Krystal (the “krazy” one), Tia (Raven’s friend), Chelsea (the mom), Jenna (wears too much make-up), Kendall (loves taxidermy), Lauren B (Basic AF) and Jacqueline (Thirsty AF for a 1 on 1) .

Is Paris a “Beautiful Place to Fall in Love”?

Arie isn’t sure. As he has this broment with the Man with the Easiest Job in the World:

Arie does say Paris and this whole journey is “amazing” about 2,389,283 times. BUT he never mentions how Paris AKA THE CITY OF LOVE is “a beautiful city to fall in love.” A title he so quickly gave to South Lake Tahoe (AKA “all the people’s place”) AND Fort Lauderdale (AKA “New River Settlement”). This is honestly a HUGE red flag for us…

OH, and Arie dishes that he is thinking the most about the two Bekah/ccas and Tia. Which is interesting / probably the last three people made out with/ names he remembers at the moment because 2 of the names are the same when said out loud.

The girls also seem a little confused as to what to say about the “city of light.” As Tia so eloquently puts it,”It’s very Parisian.”

 

Krystal’s Challenges

Krystal goes on to talk about how “last week was a very challenging week.” And then proves to also have a challenging time pronouncing certain words. 

For example, she pronounces the word “gesture.” Which is this:

Like “jester.” Which is this:

But in her defense, Jesters are also “very Parisian.” She also says that Arie needs a strong women (plural) but none of us are perfect, even Krystal.

One on One: Lauren B.

Our basic queen Lauren B. (The Hot Take’s choice for winner) get’s the first one on one and WOW is it boring. She wears an romper (obviously) and proceeds to say nothing more than “wow,” on their entire day date. Which honestly we still think could work. I mean does Arie really say anything else besides “amazing”? Here’s what we imagine Arie and Lauren B. talk about when the cameras aren’t rolling:

At Dinner:

ARIE: This food is amazing.

LAUREN B: (agreeing) Wow.

On a Date:

ARIE: You look amazing.

LAUREN B: (touched) Wow!

In the Bedroom:

ARIE: THIS IS AMAZING!!

LAUREN B: (underwhelmed) Wow.

Right?

Kendall is hopeful that Arie will see a “more in depth side of Lauren,” which we aren’t sure exists. But then again, is there a more in depth side to Arie besides “cars”?

At dinner Lauren does open up to Arie that she has trust issues, was recently engaged, and has friend-zoned every boyfriend she’s ever had for six months before they started dating. Which gets her a rose, obviously.

Also, whatever genius in the art department put RED WINE in a COUPE GLASS needs to be fired immediately. We literally CANNOT.

Group Date

On the group date with everyone but Kendall, Krystal and Lauren B. The girls go to the Moulin Rouge! Tia admits she can’t dance, Seinne proves to be the only one who can not only dance, but also speak French, yet Arie gives the rose to Bekah, and our guess is because finally she opted to not wear gigantic earrings like these:

Instead she and half of the contests opted for a subtle choker, which while are off trend, we see how it works for the Moulin Rouge date.

Also can we talk about how Bekah is 100% an actor/ trained stage performer? A 22 year old Nanny in LA who’s just a Nanny? Yeah. Right.

We bet that missing person photo of Bekah was from when she ran away from home to be an actress in Hollywood. Right?

 

 

KRYSTAL VS. KENDALL 

“Wife Material,” is the subject of debate on the 2 on 1, and Arie is mysteriously gone for most of this date, we can only hope he was watching off camera.

Krystal is wife material…according to Krystal. We think Krystal is more first-marriage-you-try-to-get-annulled-but-definately-have-a-prenup-material, but that’s just us!

Both Arie and Krystal are concerned that Kendall has never had a relationship for more than 10 months. Which honestly is not that weird for someone in their 20s… We’re pretty positive Bekah (22) has never had a relationship for more than 10 days…

Kendall tries her best to have a heart to heart /maybe make-out with Krystal? Unclear. Both passes are rejected because again, there’s nothing wrong with Krystal. She’s a gem. Literally.

Despite Bekah’s hot take that Krytsal would stay because, “No one thought Trump was going to win the election.” (Stock down, Bekah for that soundbite). Krystal gets sent home.

 

 

Just Jacqueline

Next Thirsty AF for a One on One Jacqueline finally gets her one on one, despite Arie’s vintage car breaking down and him not knowing how to fix it. Arie, isn’t that your one thing? Cars?! That would be like Kendall not knowing how to hang up taxidermy.

On this one on one we noticed something. Sometimes. Not all the time. Usually when he’s trying to sound cute, if you close your eyes, Arie kind of sounds like Kermit the Frog.

I know. Our minds are blown too.

After the broken down car, Arie takes Jacqueline shopping. Making this the second one on one where Arie takes a date shopping. For a straight guy who’s into cars, Arie sure loves to shop!

Anyway Jacqueline gets a rose, despite the fact that she has to go back to school or whatever.

 

 

Rose Ceremony

This was a shocker. Not sure how Arie could have that magical moment with Chelsea last week, have her open up to him like and then be like peace? WHAT. We really thought Chelsea would be top three! They didn’t talk at all the episode, our only guess is they’re grooming Chelsea to be the next Bachelorette? But we think our Bachelorette needs to have a little more personality and spunk than Chelsea has shown us – and what else can you tell us about Chelsea’s personality besides the fact that she’s a mom? Jenna also got sent home, but really who was Jenna besides the girl who wore a little too much make-up and got drunk at the bowling date?

We here at the hot take are sad about Chelsea leaving and are hopeful that the hometown dates WILL GET WEIRD.

 


Also published on Medium.

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